and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
