i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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