I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
