I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
