What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
