wrigley field is MILF paradise
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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