I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I love having hate sex.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
