You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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