i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
