I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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