You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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