Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
