Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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