i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
