Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
