I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
