Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
