i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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