i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
