I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
