it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
