Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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