his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
