i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
