does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
if only i could text you this smell
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
