the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Randomize
