im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
