I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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