And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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