I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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