The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize