i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
