smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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