Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
