weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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