i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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