And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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