I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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