if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
