Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize