I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
