even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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