no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish you could order shots online.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
