I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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