I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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