someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
