Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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