Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
