his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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