So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
