My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize