I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
