it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
