I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
whose parrot is this?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
