i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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