he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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