I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
