Where are you?
In a non slutty way
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
