You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
