Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
two words...techno handjob
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
